Medical Diagnosis: Autism

Hello!

I'll write a post soon about the whole family and any updates from this past year. I just realized it's been about a year since I wrote a blog post! It's been a busy one, and it's not looking to slow down anytime soon.

I know I wrote about London and his educational diagnosis last year... but a lot has happened in the past year so I thought I'd write an update. In April 2014, we took London in for a medical evaluation. It was needed in order to see if we qualify for Disability, as well as to get him more services such as speech therapy. After he was evaluated, it didn't really come as much surprise when they told me he indeed does have autism. What was a little surprising were to the two "bonus" diagnoses he received. They said he also has "Global Developmental Delay" and "Language Disorder". Kind of a bummer to receive three diagnoses in one day, but I'm thankful for the services and the help that may come with those down the road.

Since April, I've been on a personal journey of acceptance for London's diagnoses. I know I wrote about this in a blog post last year, but I think I have finally come to terms with London's autism. There was a lot that I had to go through to get here mentally. In a way, I had to sort of mourn the loss of a child. Grieve the death of all my hopes and dreams and expectations of how I thought life would be for him. How I thought the world would be for him. Grieve the type of relationship he would never have with Lyla, other kids, and even with me and Nathan. I know that sounds a little dark, but it's also very cathartic.

Then, I was angry. REALLY angry. I went through all the "How could this happen?" "Why did God allow this to happen?!" "This isn't fair!" type emotions. There was a sermon I listened to a while back about how "God is not life", and it really helped me to let go of my anger and realize that God did not give London autism. He did not give him to me because of his autism. Things that happen to us are just life. This world is not fair, nor is it perfect. However, God is on our side. He's on my side and on London's side. Life is too short to hold onto resentment and bitterness, and it would do no one any good. So, that helped me release a lot of that resentment and held in anger and move forward.

Finally, I came to acceptance. Accepting what is and what will be. Like I've said before, London is London. He is a very happy boy who is extremely smart, funny, kind, snugly, creative, intuitive, loving, and on and on. Autism just happens to be something he also has and something that he has to deal with. It does not define him and never will. It is just something that is a part of our life now, and we will deal with it in the best ways we know how with all the tools we can come by.  It will not be just London's burden to bear, we will all bear it the best we can together.

I'm not going to pretend to have it all figured out. And I'm not going to say that I'll never struggle with any of these emotions ever again. There will be times when I'm angry. There will be times when I'm jealous of "normal" boys his age. There will be times when I question "Why?" all over again. But I just focus on what I know to be true. God will never leave us nor forsake us. He will be there for us every step of the way. He is rooting for our success. Without that I'd be so lost, lonely, and scared. But I'm not. We have God on our side and that is such a relief. I have hope for the future and for what is to come. I also try to focus on the positive. I focus on all the things London DOES do, and the positive parts of his personality (which are many!). I also focus on all the growth he has had these past few years, including talking, and that I know he will grow even more in years to come. London is here for a reason and he has a purpose in this life, just like you and me. And I will do my best to help him find and fulfill his purpose and to be the best London he can be.

I know it took me a while to get to this point. And I get very frustrated when I hear about other people getting down on moms or dads that were in denial, or didn't seek intervention immediately, or who didn't want to take "autism" for an answer. There's no shame in going through denial. For me, I felt like accepting the autism diagnosis was like giving up on him. Like, if I wasn't going to fight for who I thought he was, then who would? I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to give in, and let that be his label. I wanted to advocate for him, and be his voice when he didn't have one. And that's OK. I know it's OK because it's a natural part of this whole process of acceptance. No one WANTS to believe there's something "wrong" with their child. No one wants to think that their child has special needs. It's a very hard pill to swallow and can take some time to do so. There is no shame in that.

I will never stop being his advocate, and I will never stop being his voice when he needs one. I still have not, and never will, give up on him. Accepting the label Autism is really just accepting the services, school programs, and other interventions and therapies he needs to grow and develop. If putting that label on him is what we need to do in order to receive these services, then that's what we will do. A label is just a label, it's not a definition. And the help we've received so far has been SO beneficial and he's grown leaps and bounds.

I'm so grateful to have the support I have because it's been so very helpful. My family and friends have been amazing with all of this. Everyone just loves London to pieces and nothing has changed that. My friends have been there to really listen to me and offer comfort and advice night after night. They've seen me cry my face off (even crying themselves sometimes), and they've listened to me ramble on and on and have always been right there offering comfort and reminding me what's important. Emily and Erica, I name you two especially - thank you so much for your friendship and support. And I'm so thankful for Nathan. Who is there with me every step of the way, almost always on the same page as me, loving London to the fullest. Showing London what a loving, Godly man looks like, and influencing him in all the right ways. Being so patient and understanding. I am so blessed for that. I could never, ever, do this without his help. And Lyla has been so great with London. She is so patient and kind with him. She doesn't really know the full extent of why he is the way he is, but she loves him so much and loves to help in any ways that she can.

Our small group that we meet with every week has also been extremely helpful and supportive. They've prayed for us and encouraged us in so many ways. So thankful for them!

I also have friends of fellow moms with autistic boys and that have also been helpful to chat with them and hear their stories and to really realize I am most certainly not alone. Even though it's such a large spectrum, and no two kids are exactly alike - a lot of your feelings, worries, fears and struggles can be similar to theirs. There is a lot of common ground between parents of special needs kids. And thank goodness for the countless forums, blogs, and articles on the Internet about people just like us, going through the same things as us. There is so much comfort, advice, tips and tricks I can take from these sites.

It'll be a long journey... at times it will be extremely hard; at times it will be fine. There will be many more successes than there will be failures - I know that for sure. When I first found out I was pregnant with twins I just couldn't believe my luck. I just couldn't even believe how blessed I was to be getting a boy and a girl. And I still feel the exact same way now 5 years later - nothing has changed that. I am so lucky to have London in my life. He and Lyla are the lights of my life in every way. They have only made my life better. I will try my hardest to be the best mom I can be and to guide them the best way I can. With God at our side, we will be just fine.

Sorry for the long ramble. sometimes it feels good to get it all out on "paper". Maybe someone somewhere will read this and find some sort of comfort in knowing that they are not alone.